World's Most Important News Outlet

Cartoon Girl Band Starts Own
Political Party

Alicia American, leader of the fictional cartoon band THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS, has joined with her imaginary sisters to create the world's only all-female, all-cartoon political party, which they call the #NeoTrad Party.

"It's a party, it's a meme, it's a hashtag, it's a luv thang!" said Ms. American, adding, "We want to make America grape again yo! How badass is THAT?"

The diminutive redhead, who is quietly running for President, told us, "We NeoTrads are betterer than the left OR the right! For instance, Bernie Sanders wants to give you free healthcare, but if you vote us NeoTrads into office, we promise to PAY you to see the doctor Yay! So that makes us like coolerer than Sanders yo!" When asked how the government could afford to pay people to see the doctor, Ms. American replied, "Simple! Like Donald Trump, we love the poorly educated! So we'll just like cancel public education, replace it with like Wikipedia or the Discovery Channel or something, and pass the savings on to you OMG Yay!"

Another issue the new party places front and center is a plan to rebuild the nation's water supply system through a public works program. Some of Alicia's own supporters complain this is too close to socialism. "We aren't socialists," Ms. American said, "We are FDR CONSERVATIVES yo! We wanna put peeps to work, but instead of hiring everyone directly like socialists would do it, we'll like hire CONTRACTORS to do it the American way Yay! Yay for America!"

Because Alicia has received encouraging tweets from Gerald Casale, co-founder of DEVO, some have called Alicia's NeoTrad hashtag a mere copy of Devo's old "New Traditionalist" movement of the 1980s. To these accusations, Ms. American responds, "The NeoTrad movement is NOT a copy of Devo! It's a copy of Good Housekeeping's 'New Traditionalist' advertising campaign of the 80s, and THAT was a copy of Devo! Those who don't rememberize history are like content to retweet it or however that saying goes yo!"

Although not a real person, Alicia American may be reached for comment or interviews at AliciaAmerican @ gmail dot com, on twitter @ThoseUSAGirls and on Vine @ThoseAmericanGirls